From Uganda

I enjoy Ernest Hemingway’s writing. Perhaps because a writing teacher once tried to dissuade me saying Hemingway writes terrible, depressing, unimaginative stories and that cemented my liking. That craggy-faced, rum-dependent author once said, “Write hard and clear about what hurts.” I do not know if he actually said that as I found it on Pinterest, hardly a credible source. Case in point, Pinterest once told me that Albus Dumbledore said “Where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.”

I have not taken Ernest’s advice and written about moving to Uganda and life and my work in the past months. Writing is thinking on paper and from the time I learned I was moving to quite a while afterwards my thinking was anything but coherent. It was frustrated and sometimes angry, sad, tired and unpredictable.  Once my mind settled I felt guilty about my non-communication (not just on the blog either) and, in what is clearly a sign of maturity, avoided this commitment.

Here I sit, five months later, in a café sprinkled with other expats likely endeavoring to write their own blog posts. Let me quickly review:

At the end May the Field Office Director in Nairobi informed us that IJM had decided to “accelerate departure” of all expats due to increasing security concerns in Kenya. With the increased risks of terrorism and the general rise in violent crime in the city, IJM followed suit of many iNGOs and foreign governments in removing non-essential expatriate staff.

I was one of three interns to relocate to another African field office after five months in Kenya.  With a hard and fast 2-week deadline, I picked up and moved to Kampala, Uganda with little knowledge of the new country, culture and job.

That was hard and it did hurt. I still cannot describe everything I felt but the suddenness and utter lack of input or control in the decision knocked the wind out of me. I had really loved Kenya and my work, life and friendships there. At five months you have finally settled into the place and community. I would not have made that choice for myself and I still do not like it, however I understand IJM’s reasons and I know they had all our best interests at heart.

I arrived in the Pearl of Africa in mid-June. Unfortunately that transition did not occur as quickly or easily as I hoped. I felt sad and slept a lot the whole first month. Less sleep, still sad and often irritated the months after that. Now mix in embarrassment for not adapting well (something I pride myself on) and shame for not always wanting make an effort and the last five months have not been the easiest for me.

Before I left I had several conversations with my boss with him offering encouragement about how God was not surprised by this turn of events and intended to use them for teaching me and giving me new opportunities for growth. Of course I agreed, God is good and everything would be fine. So when I got here I kept waiting to be fine. I knew it would be hard at first but soon I would fit in to Ugandan culture, friends and my job as seamlessly as I had done in Kenya. Soon I would see the good things to learn through my new experiences.

Not so. God is still good, but I am not always fine.

Truth is I do not excel at my job! Often I feel frustrated and not infrequently incompetent. I have not synced with the office, do not have a church I regularly attend and still do not have a good handle on Ugandan culture. As far as adaptability and growing in new experiences I feel like I failed. At first, I gave myself grace because I was drained and could not put in the effort needed in my new home. However, as time passed I would repeatedly rally and try harder. Try harder to fit in, to excel, to thrive knowing that I had not done enough before. Feeling homesick, acerbic and disappointed I do not even like this version of myself a lot of the time. Spiritually I have felt weak, but after seeking God I felt abandoned, then guilty for feeling that way.

This is not what I had in mind. I know this is my own limited perspective and I will always be a self-critic, but it is what I can share. I still agree that God will use this, but no longer presume it will be straightforward and encouraging, at least not immediately. Let me share soon about the work of IJM Kampala and Uganda. There is so much good here in the life and the work, but I had to get the above out of my head and heart first.

I think one of the reasons I delayed writing was that I was waiting to feel victorious. To be able to tell a story of the goodness and growth I have found through change and difficulty. But that is not my reality at the moment, and maybe just keeping your head above the waves is the truer picture that will bring the coming joy into sharper contrast.